Lately things have been one big cluster fuck of shit. I feel like I have been knocked down and people, and life keep kicking and kicking and beating. I feel so much like this that that is the reason that I have titled this the way that I have.
Every time it seems like I am getting my shit together, life goes hey…cut that shit out. Be down and out. So that is where I am. I finally got an apartment. I got a bed. (After 2 years of having been sleeping on couches or futons.) I got a new and better paying job. And then shit just hits the fucking fan. I start to climb up and someone pulls the ground from beneath my feet, and then I find ground again to tread…and someone causes an avalanche…and I fall and hit every single rock (or large chunk of ice) on the way down, until I am buried.
I feel so overwhelmed. I know things will eventually get better. Or I am super delusional in thinking that things will work themselves out and get better. People keep telling me things will. The more faith I have had in people the more I have fallen back.
My wife and I have decided to open our relationship only to have exclusive relationships with whomever (1 partner (long term) each). Because I feel like she needs to be okay to be who she was always forced away from being. It’s hard. I am not going to say that it is not, because it is, but we both have needs that NEED to be met and they cannot be met by each other. Who knows how well that will go. I am hopeful it will go well.
I am in love with someone else (though not more than Gabby), and I am hoping eventually he will come around and things will work. That would be great. I am also hopeful that Gabby finds someone that she can look at and feel safe in a way that I cannot provide her. In the way that I used to look at her when she presented as him and just felt peace. I don’t feel that anymore, and neither does she.
So, sorry this has been like word vomit, but here is to hoping that things get better. As of now things are kind of settled down, but everything keeps falling on me solely, and that shit is hard. Because I am not a super duper strong person…or at least I can’t be all the time.
(on a side note this made me feel quite a bit better)